A small rant…
I’m tired. Tired of work. Tired of the cold shoulders of friends. Tired of writing. Tired of everything.
I just want a day off. A full day. A day where I don’t need to run around like a chicken with its head cut off. A day where I can relax and sleep in if I want. A day where I don’t feel guilty or hurt about something. I want to rewind the clock, to go back to a time when I thought I had everything I needed– a guy I loved, a best friend who was interested in what I was up to and wanted to hang out with me and talk, a job that I only worked maybe 20 hours a week because I didn’t have to worry about money yet.
Not anymore. Gone are those days. Gone with the boyfriend and the 20 hours has now turned into 65-71 (71 this week). I haven’t been -home- for a full day in… months. Which has made my friend think I’ve abandoned her and all that. I’m tired. I’ve gained new friends. Got back my writing muse. Even have been getting out a bit more but it’s still a s.t.r.e.s.s. headache. All of this. I just fell asleep at my desk for almost an hour… and I don’t just do that occasionally. It’s all the fricking time. I get up for 7ish, get to work for 8:30-4:30, catch the bus to start work at other job 6-12am (5 times a week). I get 6 1/2- 7 hours of sleep. That should be sufficient, right? But it’s not. I think it has something to do with being on my feet for the last 6 hours of the day and running around. I’m wearing thin.
Today, I was supposed to be off in the evening. Did that happen? No. I got called in. Oh sure I could have ignored the red blinking light of my boss calling (within an hour he’d already called 3 times and left two messages) and said I’d forgotten my cell, but he wouldn’t have bought that. Seriously. So I said sure. Why? Because I have to make money. I don’t get paid right now for the internship. Not til mid august. I have to move. My roommates have decided they are going to move into their parent’s house where rent is cheaper so it was either move or pay rent that was more than I could afford. So I found a place that was cheaper but that doesn’t mean I have the money either. Not yet. The new landlords have the first month’s rent but that is only because I borrowed from my parents. So here I am, busting my butt off to not only ensure I get a job out of this internship (I was offered a position but it’s til Dec), and to make enough to pay rent and bills.
I’m trying to hang in. But things are getting bad because I’m losing my friend because of all this. Because of hurt feelings and closing off of feelings and the whole shebang. And an email isn’t enough to discuss it all. She wants it done face to face. So I have to do it tomorrow, my only evening off while I do laundry. So on top of being tired tomorrow, I’m going to be a nervous wreck worrying. I hate all of this.
This has been the crappiest couple of months.